How much time have you wasted clipping one toenail at a time? You’ll never get those minutes of your life back. But you don’t have to waste any more. Have you ever clipped your toenails too far and they hurt for like forever? That’s going to happen a lot more now. You may even lose some toe meat. It will be worth it though. You’ll be able to take one more cat nap with the minutes you’ll save over a lifetime.
Want to do your part to make the subway a weirder place? Why not try this chin stand? It’s for sleeping while you’re standing up. It’s also great for keeping subway crazies away. Now you’re one of them. And subway crazies don’t bother each other. It’s part of the code. You may even get union benefits if you commute like this long enough.
What’s in the bowl? It’s poop that you can eat. This is just what the world needs. We know that some people in the world are starving. But we’re pretty sure that even they would turn their noses up at this. This stuff is just barely edible. It’s literally just poop with the pathogens taken out. Why would anyone invent this?!
Wish that your washing machine wasn’t so stationary? Now you can take your laundry on the go. All jokes aside, why on earth would you need this? We’ve all forgotten to do Sunday-night laundry. But what would be the point of washing on your way to work? And how would you dry them? We’re not even going to talk about the fact that there’s only room for underwear in there. These give a whole new meaning to the walk of shame.
Discrete hearing aids are for chumps. Why go small when you can go big? This way you can hear what everyone’s saying behind your back. They’ll mostly be talking about how crazy you look. But you’ll be able to hear it! You may also be able to pick up satellite feeds from space. Phone reception is probably pretty great too. But if anyone yells within 20 feet of you, your ears may bleed.
What’s in this vending machine? We’ll give you a hint: they’re for sniffing. That’ right, used women’s underwear! We knew that used women’s underwear was a thing. We didn’t know that it was this much of a thing. This means that large numbers of men find themselves out and about but unable to go on without getting their hands on a pair of underwear. Just think about that for a minute. Welcome to the Internet: Destroying Your Innocence One Image at A Time.
No, this is not a photo from a ransom note. It’s a mouth exerciser. It’s for those pesky wrinkles around your mouth. You just cram it in your gob and fight the urge to panic. And then you squeeze on the tube to tighten your…mouth muscles. Try not to think about the fact that you look like a blow-up doll. Laughing with this in your mouth can be dangerous. And you do not want to have to explain yourself to the EMTs.
We’ll give you a minute to guess what this is before we tell you. No, it’s not a splash guard. It’s for holding your hair back when you eat noodles. We love this because everyone’s done this at one point in their lives. You think about a problem for a while. And then you come up with a perfect, brilliant solution. So you run to tell you’re friend but he’s just like “Dude, why wouldn’t you just put your hair in a ponytail to keep it out of the noodles?” And you’re like “oh…” But it’s too late because this is already a thing.
These are stickers for sleeping at work. On the bright side, your boss won’t think you’re asleep. On the other hand, he may think that you’re a dangerous sociopath. Could you imagine walking by this guy’s desk? “John? John?!” If John’s not careful, he’s going to wake up to a security detail at his desk. Or an EMT. These belong firmly in the bad idea box. Unless you’re going to use them at home. That’ll teach them to wake you up in the morning.
There’s never enough toilet paper around when you need it. That goes double when you have a cold. Lucky for you, the Japanese have thought of a solution. Nothing says “leave me alone I have a cold” like this off-putting little device. No one will catch your cold because they’ll be afraid to come near you. In their defense, you’ll look pretty crazy. But you’ll be able to blow your nose whenever you need. Pro Tip: Not recommended for households with cats.
Loneliness isn’t just for men. Now there’s a pillow that she can share with her cats. Tape a photo of Ryan Gosling’s face to the top and he’s just like a real boyfriend. You two can go to brunch and watch Lifetime together. Unfortunately, once you buy this pillow you can never date again. Nothing says forever alone like a man-pillow. It’s like kryptonite for any man you manage to lure back to your apartment. Unless, of course, that man has a lap pillow. Then you two are a match made in heaven.